Three Powerful Words: “I Don’t Know”

Leadership Coaching Notes September 2009

Three Powerful Words: “I Don’t Know”

The Challenge

People described Jennifer as smart, decisive and dedicated, but also said that she could be impatient, narrow-minded and dictatorial. Why?  When Jennifer described how she handled leadership challenges,  a common pattern emerged – she couldn’t say three simple words:  “I don’t know.” Sound familiar? Like most leaders, she had been
trained, rewarded and promoted for knowing the right answers, right now. She believed saying, “I don’t know” was a sign of weakness. In her business, it seemed downright dangerous. Read on to learn about three situations in which saying “I don’t know” improved Jennifer’s leadership impact and reduced her stress.

What Worked

Don’t Always Have the Answers: In a crisis, it can be vital for someone to take charge and give orders. But, using that approach all the time created big problems. Jennifer decided to relax her habit of having all the answers. She asked others for their ideas and answers instead. She began to enjoy saying, “I don’t know yet. What do you think? What would you suggest? Is there a better way this could work?”

What You Can Do: How often and how comfortably do you say “I don’t know?” Notice what happens physically when you say it. Do you tense up? Stop breathing? What do you expect might happen if you don’t know?

If you always have all the answers then all you will contribute is what you know from the past. Same old, same old. Practice saying “I don’t know,” relax and wait. Practice feeling comfortable with the reality that you don’t, can’t, and probably don’t want to know it all. What fun could that be? In time you will make decisions, but explore what surprises and creativity can happen when you willingly say these three magic words before you decide.

Speed Kills, Slow Down: Jennifer learned to balance her ambition, intensity and dedication with 3 neglected, complementary skills: rest, open attention and fun. These helped her re-discover spontaneity and the pleasure of “not knowing.” While driving for results was sometimes important, without rest and fun, she didn’t have the perspective needed to check that she was driving to goals she truly cared about. Resting and fun broadened her perspective and revealed new possibilities she had previously run over in her Type A life.

What You Can Do: As a fast-paced leader, can you be highly productive while highly relaxed? How often do you laugh and relax deeply? How willing are you to learn from what surfaces when you do? Notice what possibilities exist that you can’t observe when you are in the fast lane. Make it a regular practice to shift down to neutral so you can choose your next gear and direction wisely.

Suspend Snap Decisions: Jennifer loved the adrenalin and sense of progress of reacting quickly, but knew she was missing something critical with knee jerk decrees. She learned to meet any challenge, surprise or disappointment by taking 2 slow, deep breaths. These let her relax and become a learner in the tough moments. Just as an artist needs silence and blank space to create (i.e., a place of not knowing and starting fresh), she made a habit of giving herself this space from which to create a more effective decision, at any moment.

What You Can Do: Notice the situations in which you make snap decisions. When you react, how well do stay connected with what’s most important to you? What happens to the possibilities for creativity and a new future?
Notice the places in your body that tense up just before you react. (That is your stress.) Move and relax. Physically relaxing is the fastest way you have to open to a new possibility. Choose an attitude of curiosity, even playful mischievousness. What don’t you know yet? What haven’t you discovered that could open a better option?

Business Impact

When Jennifer said “I don’t know” more often, the sky didn’t fall. Instead, others began stepping up and contributing their ideas. A team started forming. She thought more clearly and was a better coach. She was more fun to work with. As she relaxed physical tension, she experienced more energy and less stress. She had time to remember what was most important to her and act on it. She contributed more of her strengths without the earlier down-side losses.

What’s Next

Use and share these ideas. If you struggle to enjoy the state of “I don’t know” and move past old habits of reacting, driving for results and stressing out, contact me. Like Jennifer, a coaching program can support you in shifting your leadership impact and personal satisfaction.

If leaders you coach are experiencing challenges similar to Jennifer’s and they want to discuss how to achieve similar results, suggest that they call me. I am never too busy for your referrals. Our first conversation is always without charge.

Liked the article? Didn’t like it? Have any questions? Drop me a line mkimbell@corporateadventure.com. I’d love to hear from you!

All the best,

Meredith Kimbell
Executive Advisor,Strategy Consultant
Corporate Adventure

Leadership Coaching Notes uses real or composite client examples drawn from 25 years of coaching and consulting with leaders committed to solving their toughest personal, interpersonal and organizational issues.
Unless otherwise attributed, all material is copyrighted by Meredith Kimbell © 2011. All rights reserved. You may reprint any or all of this material if you include the following:
“Leadership Coaching Notes © 2011 Meredith Kimbell, Corporate Adventure, Reston, VA. Used with permission.”