Have to or Want to?

Leadership Coaching Notes July 2009

Have to or Want to?

I had conversations with two very talented, exceptional performers that revealed the power of mindsets. In short, Donna led with a mindset of  enthusiasm for her purpose and the opportunity to contribute what she did best. Randy led with a sense of burdened over- responsibility for all he “had” to do. The contrasting mindsets produced contrasting leadership styles and levels of personal wellbeing. Read on to learn about the differences and their implications for you. Then consider: how are you thinking? Is your mindset creating the life that brings you happiness at work and at home?

What Worked

1. Focus Deeply or Fitfully? Randy was scattered. He “had” to handle so much, and it seemed to change constantly, that he struggled to tackle too much, all the time. There was seldom time when he stopped taking calls, emails, texts or “do you a have a minute” interruptions. He believed people needed him…and right now! He consistently allowed his thinking to wander to what else he “had” to get done even when he was doing important work. As a result, he didn’t finish top priorities before he left work, worried about work at home, felt burdened, and didn’t sleep well. He was frequently tired, short tempered and pre-occupied and his staff saw it.

Donna was one of the best time blockers I ever met. She had an overwhelming list of important issues to address, but took them one at a time and focused solely on what she was doing for a specific period. She made time for her staff (actually more than Randy), but she “closed her door” when she chose to focus on her work. She had a ring she wore when she worked. When she took it off, she relaxed and focused elsewhere, whether it was lunch with a friend, exercising or home with family. Work was off limits. Her staff witnessed her focus including her relaxed attention on them when they needed her. They saw her come in fresh and ready almost every day.

What You Can Do: Invest Your Attention Wisely. Check: How well do you concentrate on what you are doing when working, talking with others, hanging out with family and friends or sleeping? Focus is a “muscle” of sorts. It gets stronger with practice. Choose environments that support you to focus on your priority. Close your door and turn off distractions. Set a timer. When you know you have a deadline, you concentrate best. Find your own version of Donna’s ring. I’ve seen a leader wear a hat when focusing. When it was on, people knew only to interrupt him if it was really important.

2. We Have No Safety Net! Randy focused on what he didn’t have. He saw lack of resources and assumed that he alone “had” to take up the slack to assure nothing dropped. He held a mindset that expected breakdowns. As a result of his felt (often self-imposed) urgency, he was prone to assign things without enough support for others to succeed, to take on too much, and to have a very “short trigger” when he was frustrated. Some people feared his reactions and avoided rather than approached him. He thought he was necessarily urgent and doing his best to stay patient, but his anxiety leaked through and left many unsteady vs. confident.

Donna paid attention to what she did have. She observed an inexperienced team and perceived the untapped potential she’d love to bring forth. Within reason, she continuously gave stretch assignments and showed her enthusiasm when supporting her people to exceed their expectations. She was clearly “tough,” but was never demeaning. She perceived inevitable surprises not as “disasters,” but as challenges that brought out what she enjoyed contributing. To her, most everything was an engaging opportunity to build vs. another weighty crises. Her spirit was obvious and contagious.

What You Can Do: What an Adventure! Check: How do you approach overwhelming challenges? Are they a curse or an adventure? Adventurers have a goal, but no expectation that getting there will be easy, predictable or within their current capability. That’s the fun. When you feel anxious, stop. Breathe. Reset your focus on what is most important to you. Choose what you WANT to accomplish. Remember your strengths and the resources you can apply. Renegotiate timelines as needed. Ask for support and help.    Finally, like a good adventurer, stay in shape. Get the rest you need except in the extreme moments, eat well, and exercise regularly. You’ll never have time, so make time for self care that helps you go the distance.

3. Don’t Love Too Much: Randy did love his organization, selling and thinking strategically about the future. When he observed others who were trapped by day-to-day concerns, he stepped up to sell more than they did, joined the group thinking about the future of the business, and led almost twice as many projects as his peers. On one hand he loved the challenges, but when he didn’t judge his capacity well, he forgot he was at choice and assumed he “had” to do it all. Great performers are often a bit grandiose, but Randy seriously and consistently misjudged his capacity. He was buried under over-commitment he created.

Donna chose to invest herself deeply rather than broadly. She chose specific assignments that she cared about and said a firm “no” to others. She never believed “it won’t get done unless I do it.” Instead, she believed that leaving a “creative vacuum” invited new people to step forward. These people usually worked willingly, not from “have to” and often surprised her and themselves.

What You Can Do: Face the Reality of Your Capacity. Have you taken on more than you can deliver without feeling trapped, burdened and afraid? Do you believe you need to do it all and be all things to all people all the time? Accept that a day has 24 hours regardless of how efficiently you work.    Accept you have limits. Renegotiate the lower priority items on your accountability list so you have as many “want to dos” as you want within the boundaries called “work time.” Organizations will always ask for more from you. It is your job, and only your job, to set boundaries. Don’t wait to reset priorities until your performance slacks off, you get sick or you make a big mistake that really hurts.

Business Impact

When you do too much of what you love doing, you get tired. You experience an exhaustion that feels good at night and leaves you saying “that was a good day.” When you do too much of what you believe you “have to,” you feel stressed, leak that stress everywhere and end the day with anxiety about all that’s still left to do. You sleep fitfully and start the next day whipped. You risk profound regret about the ways you treat yourself, your colleagues and your family. Your actual business results might look similar to someone who works for “want to,” but your personal sustainability and your team culture will be very different. Choose carefully.

What’s Next

If you or someone you know has fallen into a mindset of “have to” and wants help holding a mindset of “want to,” please give me a call. Assisting people to make this shift is one of the most rewarding coaching assignments I take. It uncovers that internal “light” that lets you shine and leaves you fulfilled, to say nothing of a more successful leader. Our first call is always free.

Help Please
If you can suggest companies that are doing a good job of preparing 1st and 2nd level leaders to succeed in the new business environment, will you send them to me, ideally with contact information of a person I might speak with? We are writing new material on the topic and would love to know who is doing it well. Thanks so much.

Liked the article? Didn’t like it? Have any questions? Drop me a line mkimbell@corporateadventure.com. I’d love to hear from you!

All the best,

Meredith Kimbell
Executive Advisor,Strategy Consultant
Corporate Adventure

Leadership Coaching Notes uses real or composite client examples drawn from 25 years of coaching and consulting with leaders committed to solving their toughest personal, interpersonal and organizational issues.
Unless otherwise attributed, all material is copyrighted by Meredith Kimbell © 2011. All rights reserved. You may reprint any or all of this material if you include the following:
“Leadership Coaching Notes © 2011 Meredith Kimbell, Corporate Adventure, Reston, VA. Used with permission.”