Delivering Tough Messages

Leadership Coaching Notes November 2008

Delivering Tough Messages

Remember ‘Pig Pen” from the cartoon strip Peanuts? Jane was an equivalent of the image of “Pig Pen,” but rather than exuding dirt, she radiated upset everywhere she went.

She was typically behind schedule and she was flat out hard to work with. When Ray talked with her, he often heard excuses and criticisms of others. Was there a way Ray could help turn around her attitude and performance? Was it time to let her go?

What Worked

The Facts ‘Mam, Just the Facts: When I asked Ray what Jane did, he said “she’s harried, difficult, angry, touchy, etc.” When Ray used these labels with Jane, she felt misunderstood and fought back. The conversations failed. When Ray learned to describe “facts” instead of his opinions about facts, he opened the door for reflection and problem solving vs. defensive outbursts.

What You Can Do: Think of a person with a performance issue. What 3 adjectives do you use to describe this person? What effect does it have when you use these adjectives in conversation with the person? Stop. Take one adjective and unbundle it to define 3 specific facts or examples that lead you to choose the adjective you use. “Rude” may become “interrupts others, criticizes others in public, and comes late and unprepared to meetings so slows down team productivity. Once you can describe the objective facts, you will reduce others’ defensiveness. But there is more –

Speak as an Ally: Ray dreaded confronting Jane because he “knew” he’d end up feeling inept, frustrated and defeated. He approached her ready for a fight and typically got one.

During coaching, Ray realized his primary concern was for himself (i.e., what he’d suffer.) With a “self” focus, he chose an approach that triggered the worst in Jane. By shifting to consider Jane’s perspective, he could imagine several positive intentions she might have. Perhaps she was so dedicated that she took on too much to complete on time. Perhaps she held such high standards that she didn’t know when to quit refining. Once he could envision Jane’s possible positive intentions, he stopped expecting a fight and could set up a conversation that would support Jane.

What You Can Do: Identify possible positive intentions behind the problematic facts you observe. Then, offer positive intentions at a start of a conversation. “You seem very dedicated and seem to want to do work with very high quality. Is that on target?” Or, if you don’t have a clue, ask for the other’s intention, “When I notice you coming late to our meeting (or criticizing others’ work,) I wonder what are you hoping to accomplish. What is most important to you about this choice?” Once you know another’s positive intention, become an ally. “I understand you want to contribute a lot and end up overloaded trying to meet high goals. Could we explore some other ways you can meet your goals with more success and less cost to you?” Then have a problem-solving conversation as an ally, not a confrontation as an enemy.

Ask for and Offer Commitment: Once Ray understood Jane’s positive intention and helped her find more effective ways to contribute, he took two last steps: He asked for her commitment to change. “Going forward, will you – ?” He also offered his own commitment, “I am available to help. We can talk again. I’ll also let you know when I see improvements, OK?”

What You Can Do: Check: In your coaching conversations, do you tell or do you ask? Do you say, “You should, you must or you have to?” That’s telling. (If safety requires insisting on change, you are obligated to tell and enforce requirements.) If you are coaching, ask for commitment starting with “Will you – ?” “Going forward, in X situations, will you (do Z?)” Check: When you coach, what offer do you make to support changes? Remember the last time you tried to change a habit? Give others the same support, time and guidance you appreciated when you worked to change. Changing performance isn’t a one-time conversation. Keep it active until you can celebrate the success you both want.

Business Impact

For all of her blaming and excuses, Jane knew she was struggling. She never came to work intent on doing a bad job or taking someone’s head off. She was actually grateful that someone cared enough to help her think through options and support her improving as an ally. As she accepted Ray’s help, she didn’t change overnight, but over time became both more productive and happier. For his part, Ray was happy to learn that he didn’t have to play “the heavy” to be successful in building team commitment and achieving his business goals.

What’s Next

Are you or leaders you work with struggling to handle tough performance problems? A coaching program can give insight and options that help. Please contact me to talk about your situation and a program to become more effective. The first call is always free. I welcome your referrals. Problems don’t need to persist. Call today.
Liked the article? Didn’t like it? Have any questions? Drop me a line mkimbell@corporateadventure.com. I’d love to hear from you!

All the best,

Meredith Kimbell
Executive Advisor,Strategy Consultant
Corporate Adventure

Leadership Coaching Notes uses real or composite client examples drawn from 25 years of coaching and consulting with leaders committed to solving their toughest personal, interpersonal and organizational issues.
Unless otherwise attributed, all material is copyrighted by Meredith Kimbell © 2011. All rights reserved. You may reprint any or all of this material if you include the following:
“Leadership Coaching Notes © 2011 Meredith Kimbell, Corporate Adventure, Reston, VA. Used with permission.”